Here we go again…..
A new week. *sigh*
I feel a little trepidation for the holidays. I don’t have any money coming in yet and the kids are coming for a week and I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to give them this year present wise. I’m trying to look at it as a great opportunity to help them grow into the next phase of Christmas : giving instead of getting, but only part of me is that grown-up. The rest of me wants to spend a million dollars and buy them everything in the world.
I did get to see the kids for about 15 minutes on Saturday. It was so great to get a hug or two squeezed in when it wasn’t even my weekend. I have the most awesome kids in the world. And it was very accommodating of their dad to let me swing by.
I have meds. I know…we should be having a party, but there’s no time. My head feels a kazillion times better. I might even make it through this week without having a crying fit everyday. I have so much to catch up on that I let slide last week. Thanx to my sister RhodaÕs persistence, (with out which, none of this would be the same because I would have pulled out all my hair by now and that’s just ugly), I finally found someone willing to prescribe me meds based on my telling them what I needed instead of long and lengthy tests and time which I had none of. (a version of help, help me Rhonda is going through my head…)
I’m looking forward to work. I love it when I feel like I’m helping out someone and getting them the best loan plan possible for them. Now, if I could just do it well enough to buy toilet paper or laundry soap…..
quick recap for the kids:
i’m trying hard to be a grown-up this year for christmas, do you think santa could bring me a grown-up kit? i hear it’s just like ‘accents-in-a-box’, you eat all the product and you end up with one classy, adult personality instead of having a killer british accent like my room-mate craig, (tony, you know that craig was kidding about that whole thing, right? craig just really sounds like that….)it was so great to see you and get and give hugs and kisses and smell your hair, (yes i smell your hair…just wait till you’re a parent), i’m back on drugs which, i hope, is a phrase that i never hear you say unless they are prescription, and even then could you do me a favor and not word it quite like that? stick to the word medication…it sounds nicer.
for the birds….
Today I looked out my living room window and saw a most peculiar thing.
In preface to this little story, I should tell you that my home is now at the top of a small mountain. (I would call it a big hill but that might hurt its’ feelings.)
The Santa Ana’s have been blowing through the area and at the top of this little mountain I live on, we get some wonderful gusts for a few hours every day or so. The patio umbrellas have blown over, taking with them the table a time or two, but all in all I can’t complain about the wind as a factor by it’s self, let alone in conjunction with the fabulous view I have on two sides of the house. I love where I live. Anyway, back to the story….
I had been sleeping all day instead of going to work like I should have been because I’ve had a little touch of the heebie-jeebies or left over cooties or some such thing. In any case, I walked down the stairs, into the kitchen to get a glass of water and then out to the balcony to see the ‘haps’ when I noticed strange shadows floating up and down across the deck. I should interject here that because of the very nature of the heebie-jeebies, one should not always believe everything that one sees while under the influence of said illness. So, after the initial shock wore off and I regained my balance, I shook my head once or twice and then looked again. Sure enough, there they were: bird shaped shadows floating vertically along some unseen tether line. Otherwise, how could they do it? It took me a minute to realize that I should probably look in the sky and see what was happening instead of just staring at the shadows. (A ‘duh’ should probably be inserted here…)And there they were…..3 or 7 or 11 or some such number of fowl in the air around my deck. I could have reached out and touched them, (If I’d had a long broom stick and gallons of more energy than I had at my disposal….), but I opted instead to sit down, heavily and unsteadily, into the nearest patio chair. And I watched. (In the sky, mostly…)These birds were playing some sort of game….a floating game I guess. I’m sure the conversation went along the lines of ‘I can float better than you can.’ ‘Oh, ya? I’ll get within 7 feet of the insane cootie-lady on the deck and come away unscathed!’ They would stay within a few feet of each other and right where the gusts of wind would come riding over the top of the mountain and coast in place with their wings outstretched. Every so often, one of them would bump into one of his friends. I’m sure he got points taken off his score for that. Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it…And sometimes one would tuck his wings in and do a quick nose dive to get in a position beneath his co-coasters. But the majority of the time it was just an unbelievable site of a flock of birds coasting in place about 5 feet off the balcony. It fit the way I feel today….surreal.
By the way, I don’t recommend coming off anti-depressants cold-turkey. It really does a number on your head and reality. But I have some great support and I know I’ll come through this alright. Someday I’ll have medical coverage and this kind of snafu won’t happen anymore.
Joe went to Virginia for Thanksgiving. I miss him.
My kids are maybe coming down this weekend and I might get to see them for a few minutes. I miss them.
My job seems to be doing fine. I love what I do. I’m just not making any money at it, which is generally looked down upon in the work world. I’m hoping that through pure determination, I’ll get more successful at it. That and my good looks…..
quick recap for the kids:
i’m feeling insane and seeing things while coming off medication and it’s not really fair that some of the things i’m seeing, i AM actually seeing….looking back on a conversation you kids debated this past weekend….dev, birds could be that one thing on the earth that tyler says doesn’t believe in gravity, therefore making him the winner of that long, drawn-out debate, and i hope i didn’t just open up another whole can of worms, joe’s gone, i might see you all soon, and just because you love to do something and work really hard at it, doesn’t mean you’ll make money doing it and then you have some hard decisions to make.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
It's been a busy week and weekend.
so.
It’s been a busy week and weekend. But it was awesome.
My kids came down and spent time with me. It was SO great to see them! We went and saw the new Harry Potter movie, to lunch and had the best bread sticks in the whole world at Pat Oscars and then to the Zainy Brainy store to check out all the new cool stuff. My boyfriend came along and it was just a great day. I wish I could have had more time with the kids but some is better than none and December will bring with it a whole week that I get to spend with them. I can hang on till then.
I’m getting the hang of the new job. I really like working there and doing what I do.
I’m excited to go see my sister over the Thanksgiving holiday.
I’m exhausted and need to go to sleep so I’ll be fresh and perky in the morning. Like I’m ever fresh and perky in the morning, but whatever…..
quick recap for the kids (which is unnecessary since they were with me but since it’s what i do i’ll do it anyway….) :
so awesome to see you guys, loved spending time with you and it never seems like enough and i’m trying to be a grown-up and be patient for december, still like my job, spending thanksgiving in seattle, so, so so tired and going to bed now, promise to not run out of medication next time i see you, don’t promise to be perky in the a.m. ever, but you knew that already. tons of love going your way. mom.
can i help you with that ma'am?
When did I turn into a ma’am? Last time I checked the mirror I swear I was only 19 or so…..
But somehow, I’ve traveled over that bridge (or murky swamp) into adulthood. Gee, it took me long enough to figure that out since really I’m almost 32 and my oldest child is starting high school next year.
But still, it takes me by surprise when the bagger at the grocery store calls me ma’am.
Remember when you were the cool young person at the family reunion? One of the cool people, along with the other cool teenagers in the family….so cool it was hard to even stay in the same room with the old fogies or the stupid young children……so cool you had to even look cool while you slept on the living room floor in the sleeping bag just in case one of the older cool cousins brought home a cute friend of the opposite sex….so cool you couldn’t possibly take part in the talent show without making fun of yourself and everyone else…..so cool you had to make up stories of how un-cool your parents were just to compete with the other made up stories your cousins had…..so cool you would stay lonely out side and peel bark off twigs instead of go inside and play cards with your grandparents even though you wished you did.
Now I’m the ‘old people’ but not the ‘really old people’ since my parents are still alive. But as soon as they go, I’m going to be moving up to that station. I just hope it’s a long time coming. Not just cuz I don’t want to be a ‘really old person’ but because I actually like them and would like to have more time with them. And I want to force my kids to take part in the talent show in front of my parents and cousins even though they make fun of me and themselves. And when I see my kids peeling bark I’ll leave them alone after asking them a mere 20 times to come in and hang out with me and those other un-cool old people. And I hope my kids have some really awful stories to compete with their cousins about how mean I am (even if they are mostly true, in their case….) because I do love them and insist that they tell me where they are and when they’ll be home and who they’ll be with……
I learned something else tonight. Again. (I seem to learn the same things over and over again…..what’s up with that??)
And this is what it is: It feels like life sucks most of the time but it actually doesn’t. It’s just that the really sucky parts tend to stick out the most in my mind when the are happening. But really, the good far outweighs the bad and I know that. I just have a hard time remembering when it feels like it sucks. But I’m working on that.
quick recap for the kids:
your mom is older than she thought but probably not as old as you think she is, the sentimentality factor is strong tonight and i’m rambling about family and reunions and other stuff that make your mind buzz into outer space, life doesn’t really suck it just feels like it alot. and i love you tons.
loving my life
I’m finding I love my life right now. It’s kind of amazing.
Yes, I love my life. This is a new thing for me.
Of course there are things I would change if I could, like, seeing my kids more often and having less stress at work, but all in all I feel very blessed, cared for and looked after.
I have so many things to be grateful for that I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone wanted an itemized list.
My stuff from storage will be here on Sunday. I’m excited to see all my old crap again. It’s my crap. I’ve missed it.
I had a tense moment at work today and pulled through all right. I’m proud of myself. I like feeling proud of myself. I hope it happens more often. I like having skills to fall back on.
I heard an old friend on the phone this afternoon and a whole slew of old feelings washed over me. I’m still trying to sort that one out.
My new site, www.leahpeah.com , which name has been derived from an old taunt from elementary school days, is up and running files from my old site www.passepar2.com . The site has a whole new look thanx to my good friend Joseph Crawford. Check it out.
quick recap for the kids:
i like my life, things aren’t perfect but that’s ok, too, counting my blessings, will have too many books and art crap around the house again soon, work has it’s challenging moments but i’m not falling apart and i like that, still in contact with old friends, old nicknames can be put to use later in life so thank those bullies.
much love,
mom
in the HOUSE
So I’m moving in the house this weekend. I love this house. Did I mention that already? I feel like I’m sleeping in a tree house. The view is incredible. It’s so nice to have my own space again. The bulk of my stuff will be showing up next Sunday. My roommate, Craig, has at least 2 entire households of furniture and kitchen paraphernalia to his name, most of which is already in the house, so I think I’ll be fine. It was fun getting to know him a little through watching how he reacted to the stresses of moving with his friend ‘helpers’ that don’t really help all that much. I laughed a lot, only fell down once or twice and broke open only one box, so it’s all good.
The kids came down to the Carlsbad today and I didn’t get to see them which really bites. Their dad had to get back to Simi Valley for something. I sure miss my kids. Can’t wait to see them on the weekend of the 15th.
quick recap for the kids:
i wish i could live in a tree house but this house will do for now, moving into a new house and can’t wait for you all to see it and be there with me, i’m a klutz as usual but nothing too important got broken except some practically irreplaceable glass, miss you guys and can’t wait till you come over.
