The Harmony Branch™

Schmutzie has invented a way for people to get through the day without yanking their own or the people close to them’s hair out*. It’s called The Harmony Branch™ and it is genius.

I want an order of 20. Mostly, I want to pass them out to the parents that pick up their kids from school. The ones that, you know, have to back into the space and place the direction of the front of the SUV in the optimal trajectory for a speedy and rude exit. Positioning is everything to these parents. They are usually wearing turtlenecks** and having the 4-year-old in the front seat next to them practicing the violin from John Thompson’s Level Five book. Which is piano, but these kids are special and geniuses and can translate from piano to violin on the fly.

I sound so catty which is why I really need an order of 20 of those The Harmony Branch™es. I need to put them everywhere in the house and about 5 in the car. But I don’t think they are going to help me with the loss of my camera.

*I am totally aware that not only is it improper to make ‘them’ a possessive but the entire sentence structure is rather odd and illegal. Sorry, Mrs. Beesley, but it flowed off the tongue and dripped onto the keyboard.

**I wear turtlenecks all the freakin’ time. Why am I choosing them as a point of contention in this case? I have no idea. Maybe I wish I could play the violin.