The Lingo

Question: How do you get an entire room fill of kids ages 11 and up to be quiet all at the same time?
Answer: Commit the worst parentism possible and try to talk to them using their lingo.*

I walked into the living room where all my four and a few additional kids were watching tv, on the computers, talking loudly and doing all other basic kid/teenager-y stuff. This is when I tried out their native tongue.

‘Whaddup, Sdog?’ I casually asked a friend of my son. Suddenly, the room fell quiet. You could hear the inner groaning of at least three of them and the rest were still in shock. I thought we might have to call in the medics. Did I stop there? No. Absolutely not. Because, once you’ve started something, well, you just have to finish it. ‘How’s my peeps? Everyone comfortable in the Hizzouse?’ Which, I swear, is how they talk to each other all the time and then they laugh and it’s so funny. I thought if I just kept going then at some point, it would get funny. I was wrong. I threw in ‘crib’ and ‘down’ something and even ‘fo sho’ and the entire thing was met with silence quickly followed with wailing and gnashing of teeth. Someone’s head exploded.

Having teenagers is fun.

Sdog, as he is called by my son, although no longer by me because I was on the receiving end of a stern talking-to (there was extreme mortification and at least one mention of dying, if I remember right), is a peculiar kid. And I like him. He’s the kid that wears the silky button down shirt with the abstract box pattern on it made of rich reds and browns over his Pink Floyd pig t-shirt. Of course, he’s hanging out with my son who wears a reversible bathrobe to school every day that I made him out of deep purple and gray silk** for History Day when he was Confucius a week ago. I’m sure that’s not getting old to his teachers.

Once when we were driving back and forth from house to house, out of the blue, Sdog piped in with, ‘You know, I really care about the environment. I really think about it sometimes.’ And I think it continued to be quiet for a few more long seconds since no one knew what to say after that and I was kind of trying to sing along to ‘Breakaway.*** I mean, what are you going to do with a kid like that except be a little jealous that they are so completely themselves and seem impervious to the types of torturous peer pressure you endured in middle school?

Sdog and Tony both do that thing where they can’t really finish the story they are telling because they are cracking themselves up so much and it’s hard to get the words out. And most of the time I have no idea what they are talking about and they are laughing and giggling and I’m laughing but I don’t know why and then after 10 minutes of that they all of a sudden say, ‘huh, well, anyway.’ and then stop. I didn’t know what we were laughing about and I guess I never will.

* Just by using the word ‘Lingo”, you know I suck if you are under 19.

** It’s a poly-blend, my peeps. What do you think – I can afford real silk??

*** Damn, Kelly Clarkson, why must you speak to me so? I’m a woman of age and should be listening to more grown up music like Celine Dion.****

**** I kid! Ha ha! I hate Celine Dion’s music! I would never make it through an entire album. I would be poking my brain with sharp sticks.***** Give me Paul Anka instead. My mom knows who he is. He must be grown up music. (and I love his Rock Swings album for reals. Hearing Smells Like Teen Spirit in an upbeat and swingy tempo is awesome. I can have my angst and smile and sing at the same time.)

***** Last night I was cleaning my ear with a Q-tip and accidentally hit that one place that turns a near orgasmic experience into a very, very sad and painful one. To say that I would do it intentionally would make me insane. I’m crazy, but not insane!

21 Responses

  1. I took my son to the Paramounts Carowinds theme park today (just the two of us) and I heard Breakaway twice over the speakers. She speaks to me as well, perhaps Kelly is an old soul.

    Unfortunately, I am the one who has been teaching my daughter “lingo” when I turned her onto Eminem and Tupac. I’m not sure how much her Mother likes that, but she still can’t watch PG-13 or R movies. Music however, is art.

  2. i can’t wait till my kids are older! i am so looking forward to embarrassing them in this manner. *evil grin*

    and you had to go and mention celine dion! ack! just the mere mention of her and i have horrible flashbacks of her singing AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” on one of those VH1 thingys. *gag* *shudder* *retch*

  3. I am shuddering for you from the Q-Tip Slip. I did that last night before bed and cried for a little bit. My husband told me to suck it up. I’m thinking of sticking a Q-Tip in his ear while he’s sleeping. Is that wrong?

  4. This is so hilarious. I have been an avid dooce reader, and I just started reading your site. Your story is amazing and inspiring. Thank you for being so candid–it will help so many others. I’ve been enjoying my daily visits to your site!

  5. haha, amazing.

    first, your kids sound awesome because they are MAKING FUN of kids who talk like that and thus don’t ACTUALLY talk like that, thank god. that’s what we did too.

    also, you missed an asterisk after the line about breakaway, so instead of the appropritate footnote i ended up reading “** It’s a poly-blend, my peeps. What do you think – I can afford real silk??” which made me giggle alot 😀

    finally, my toes are CURLING in my shoes right now knowing exactly what you’re talking about with the q-tip. oh god that is awful. the first time i ever did that i just collapsed on the bathroom counter and thought for sure when i opened my eyes my ear would be bleeding or i would be deaf. dear god.

  6. i fixed the faulty ***. but perhaps i should have left it since it was better the wrong way? : )

    really, dude, it is a mistake to have more then one or two of those in a single post. and that is the result. i seriously doubt i’ve learned anything from this, though. i fully expect to be putting in more in the future…..

  7. Ooo, I love talking to teenagers. I really do think they consider me one, too…they just don’t know it yet. I can hang with the homies like no one’s business.
    Another ooo. My nephew stuck a stick from his chemistry set into his ear (for apparently no reason) and punctured his eardrum. It won’t heal completely for months and he might have some hearing loss. Why do they make that outer ear area so tingly and inviting? Go a tiny bit further and a painful hell awaits.

  8. OH! I SO want to come over! I have an 11 year old too and my specialty is singing off key and dancing to her music. Sometimes I sit down and real-serious-like, look at her friends and ask, “Ok. Who likes who these days?” Makes her want to shrivel up and die.

    I also have a 17 year old son and oddly enough, I seem to be coming back in fashion with his crowd. I hear I’m a “Cool Mom”. The highest praise possible for a mom who doesn’t allow sex, drugs or alcohol in her basement…

    Oh. And I like Tom Jones.

  9. I. Hat. That. Horrid. Q-Tip. Experience.

    There have been times when I have been forced to grab the cat and whimper into his fur for many minutes and several seconds for this precise reason. There have also been times when I have hopped into my daughter’s room (which is my room also because her room is apparently only in our home for the hamster and fish because I have a television in mine…) having left my crutch in the bathroom beside half of my internal ear.

    The moral of the story is that the cat will inevitably be more sympathetic than the child. She seems to find my pain quite humorous, as was confirmed last night when I crutched into a box on the landing and tipped over.

    Today, she is learning that I find her doing dishes equally hilarious. 🙂

  10. I.
    HATE.
    Hitting that spot with a Q-Tip.

    I also hate when I start to clean my ears, then I begin to uncontrollably cough.

    Ugh. Ears.

  11. Great post! The greatest day of my parental life was when my then teenage son discovered that I actually liked the same kind of music he did. It pissed him off for about a year and then he slowly began to embrace it…when all was said and done it became a bonding experience.

  12. I am not far fromthe teenage boy thing, so I loved reading this. Have you seen RV yet? Robin Williams has a part in the movie where he talks to the kids in the lingo. It is hilrarious.

    The Q-Tip….yes it is hard to stop while you are ahead with a good ear orgasmic expereince. That pain is stabbing.

  13. I actually said “rad” yesterday to my daughhter and her 9 year old friend. My stomach is still dry-heaving from their expressions.

    Leah Peah – why oh why is this my first visit to your blog when it obviously is going to make me so happy?? Off to the archives….weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  14. Oh my god you’re funny! I’m here laughing my ass off at work. Nothing like a bunch of teenagers to make you feel like an idiot!
    Enjoy your blog.

  15. Sounds like S-Dog and your boy are pretty good friends. I still have a couple friends that I stay in regular touch with from school days. These life time friends are irreplacable. I love it that no matter how much time has pasted we can always pick back up were we left off.

  16. I’ve been lurking for a while in here. Hi! You rule.

    I had to respond to this post just because my stomach hurts from laughing – the mental image of you disrupting the teenager-y scene with your mom-ness is TOO funny.

    This is one of those things that goes into the “pro” column in my growing pros and cons re: having kids: to hear, “MOM. You’re emBARRassing me” after I tell a LAME story or attempt a current dance move. From my own teenage days, the worst, the absolute worst, were the college campus tours. Whichever parent I was with managed to come up with THE MOST obscure and ridiculous question to ask in front of the ENTIRE group, including the cute tour guide. Now I realize that, if I were a parent, I’d spent the entire drive to campus thinking of just what question will cause my teen the most pain. Ah. Good stuff.

    Also. Kelly Clarkson. Awwww yeah!! Loves her. Best running music ev-ah.

  17. This post was hilarious! “Damn, Kelly Clarkson, why must you speak to me so?” Hahaha.

    I love your kids reactions to you talking like them. I wish I could have seen faces.

  18. Bought a Celine CD Saturday am.
    Memorized every song on the CD between then and yesterday while driving 8 total hours.
    Read LeahPeah today.
    Found out I’m a grown up uncool dork of the highest degree, fo sho.
    How? How do I get back into the Cool Club?!!? Help!! 🙂

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