Crazy 2.0

When I wrote my oh-so-very desperate and angsty entry a few weeks back, it would be fair to say that my mind was not functioning on all cylinders. It would also be fair to say that today I’m functioning on a little more than half and that is a nice improvement.

I wasn’t thinking beyond anything when I wrote it. What I mean to say is, whatever aftermath might occur was not even on my mind a tiny bit. Within 24 hours, I realized that there might be some kind of backlash, and that realization was mostly due to my husband bringing up the possibility. But I decided to not remove it or change it because up until that point, I don’t think I’ve ever removed a post and I didn’t want to start then. It feels like messing with history.

A few months ago, someone I follow online wrote on Twitter that they were considering suicide. I immediately unfriended them on Twitter. I didn’t even think about it. I think it was a physical/mental reaction to The Crazy. I wanted to be a little more removed from it. Especially as I was feeling myself getting sucked down as it was, all on my own. I didn’t feel strong enough to help someone else so I removed the relationship. I still read this person’s blog, however, because I didn’t want to lose contact all together.

I bring this up because I’ve noticed that since that post, approximately half my daily visitors have left, about a third of my daily subscribers have dropped me and I’ve had only 2 advertisers. I’m not shocked. I’m just noticing.

I suppose it’s not much different than when you walk down the sidewalk in the city, busy going someplace from someplace and you see that homeless person asking for change or the couple loudly fighting or the parent yanking their kid too hard by the arm – you just keep walking and look the other way, quickly considering whether you would be better served crossing the street to get by them or if you just plow ahead, eyes looking straight. You might even wonder for a split second if there is possibly something you could do or say that might help the situation but in the same second decide no, there really probably isn’t. You’re just going to have to feel uncomfortable for as long as you are around that element.

The web brings us so much closer together but I don’t know if anything has really changed. We’re a few keystrokes away but just as far emotionally if we want or need to be. It was sad to see some people that I considered friends drop me from friend lists but I can totally understand it. Now that the initial sting has worn off, I’m not pining away for the readers who left Leahpeah any more than I’m beating myself up for writing what I wrote. It happened. And that’s pretty much it. I have to use this medium to write what I need to write. Otherwise, there is no point to this personal blogging thing. But I am glad to have RealMental as a place to put some of the deeper mental issues.

45 Responses

  1. Ok, so honnestly, I do miss Super LeahPeah, but we can’t all be Super LeahPeah all the time. You’ve been here before, and you’ll leave this place again. Right now it sucks, but … well just… but.

    Hang in there. Readers or not.

  2. Ah.

    I have been, if anything, clicking over here more often to see if you started to come back up to the surface of things. Or down. Or wherever this level is.

    I was sad for you and hurt for you, and I felt weird about those feelings, because I know that I don’t know you and that blogs are only a knothole view into someone’s life.

    I am exceedingly glad to be reading that things are better.

  3. For everyone who leaves, I bet there are a few who become more regular, loyal readers, people who have genuine concern for you and like what you have to say, whether it is happy or sad.

  4. It may have something to do with the redesign of your site? From http://www.leahpeah.com, I could not find your blog. I had to go back and find it from somewhere else…unless you have the link leahpeah.com/blog somewhere on the front page and I’m just lacking in the skills necessary to find it!

    I think you are very brave for putting such personal feelings out there. I don’t think I could do it. In fact, I know I can’t because I just seem to be a lurker…

  5. Ugh. That’s so sad. After you wrote that post I thought of how hard it must have been to write it, and how thankful I was that you did. I mean, I love all of the other things you write about, but I also love that you write honestly and openly about feeling bad.

    So many of us have these dark, negative thoughts, and then beat ourselves up because we think we’re alone in that. But then you show up. You’re warm, smart, kind, loving, creative, but also awesomely truthful and brave when you publicly admit your “faults”, and we realize we’re not so alone after all.

    None of us is perfect, but a few of us are lucky enough to have a kick-ass blogger to help show us what it’s like to face her demons, and maybe give us some inspiration along the way. Plus, there’s crafts!!

    So thanks, LeahPeah. I think you’re aces all the way around.

  6. I am reading you regularly now because of posts like that. Because I like writers who are honest and being brave and showing your pain is real and valid and inspirational. I think the precious illusion where we all pretend we are just fine thank you very much is far more dangerous to the world than admitting we are faltering. Plus, I don’t know if this is true for you but once I express the crazy it somehow eases like it knows it has been caught. Crazy thrives in the shadows not in the light.

  7. I read every new post Leah. I was dedicated on this day – I read it sitting in a school pickup line waiting for my oldest…ON AN IPHONE for crying out loud.

    I didn’t comment because I don’t always know how.
    Because sometimes I feel like my comments are useless in light of the weight you carry/have carried.

    But I do know you as that strong, loving, loud, frank, fascinating, kooky, FABULOUS, beautiful woman I met at BlogHer. The one I was instantly at ease with…yeah, her.

  8. I read you every time, too. Alas, it’s through Google Reader which doesn’t let you track, so how do you know I’m here unless I tell you?

    I’m so glad things are better, but I’d still be here, even if they weren’t.

  9. Leah, I’m still here. You don’t know me from a bar of soap but I’m not going to desert you because your head’s in another space right now. I appreciate your honesty in your blog – that’s why I keep coming back.

  10. Oh, Miss Leah – I’m sorry people get spooked, but I think you’ll find a more genuine group will stick with you. Lately there seems to be a round of Crazy being served to all my favorite bloggers: Dooce, Breed ‘Em and Weep, you and Drowning in Kids. I happen to be going through my own level of Crazy right now as a second year law student with a serious unresolved health scare hanging over my head. I seem to swing between tears and wanting to punch something. Life’s a roller coaster, sweetie, we’re just in a low part, but it’ll swing back up soon, yeah? Chin up, buttercup – we love ya.

  11. The blog world is so strange. We as readers get to feeling like we know the writer because of the near-daily visits into whatever slice of their world they choose to illuminate.

    You put the spotlight on some of the hardest stuff and I’m not going to shy away from the fact that it gave me the shivers. I’m too damned afraid to say anything like that out loud… have often wondered if I should seek a little assistance from the medical community for my anxiety and depression. You hanging it out there like that has made me do some deep thinking. No conclusions yet.

    I’m sorry it’s been so sucky for you. You seem like a really lovely person with a lot of talent and a lot of love. From within and from without. I hope it feels better and better.

    And if you don’t mind, I’ll just keep hanging out here on the couch.

  12. I’m personally amazed at how honest you’ve been able to be, and I really admire it. It’s bloggers like you who make me want to be a better blogger and not be so scared of what others might think, and to not be afraid to let people know that you need help or to just know that they simply understand what you’re going through.

    I hope you feel better soon. I can tell that so many people (me included!) care a lot about you.

  13. the other commenter’s said a lot that i wish to ditto. OMSH for one, “I didnโ€™t comment because I donโ€™t always know how. Because sometimes I feel like my comments are useless in light of the weight you carry/have carried.”

    you never cease to amaze me with your honesty and courage to write publicly about really sensitive business.

    in addition, i mirror assertagirl’s comment with a twist. in that maybe those folks that left opened up a spot in the universe for new people to find you, thereby making their lives a better place b/c they read leahpeah.

    and who knows? maybe all those people just happened to have died around the same time.

    unconditional relationships are hard but way worth the struggles.

    yo da bomb diggity bomb.

  14. I’m so glad you didn’t take the post down. I agree heartily that it feels too much like changing history and I hate it when people do that.

    Who knows why people leave or why they arrive in the first place? It’ll all cycle around again, I’m sure.

  15. I have actually been trying to read you more, since that post. I so admire your bravery in being so honest, all the time. I am truly sorry you feel that you have lost readers because of that, but I hope this doesn’t deter you from being your true self here, all the time. Because I love your true self, even though we’ve never met.

  16. I want to thank you for your honesty and courage. You said a lot of things in that post that really hit home with me. I’ve been there too and it gave me a great deal of comfort knowing someone else felt the same way I did and that I am not alone. And that maybe, just maybe, I might actually be normal.

  17. I’ve always noticed some people do run away. Like it’s catching. Not sure what to say about this. I guess, overall, we’d all be better off if we stopped doing this. There’s so much we lose when we are afraid of any suffering in others. We also force everyone into putting up a false front for fear of what will become of them socially if a little reality peaked through. I can think of quite a few other drawbacks.

    I’m glad you have half cylinders going. Sorry you were down–I didn’t not comment because you were down but because I was busy and not on the internet. I hope you get on all of your cylinders soon!

  18. hi leah,
    i have been reading your blog for quite awhile…i appreciate your honesty…i have four children…three teenagers…(daily struggle…daily struggles…breath…breath)…and a four year old…i have had three miscarriages in the last 4 years…and i have struggled with addiction in the past…i feel connected to you with our common ground…i am truly sorry that you are in such turmoil right now….all i can say is i am glad you have support…and i know from my own struggles that you will get through it…thank you for being so brave and posting…and a big hug to you…you have helped me so much
    thanks,
    kate

  19. ….
    Thank you. Thank you for that entry. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for putting into words what I have felt too many times. You are the first person I’ve ever met/read that makes me feel like I’m not alone. I admire you so much. Even when things are tough, you are FABULOUS!

    {{{hugs}}}

  20. 1) Let the boring whores leave. I’d rather have the one in nine with the mental illness.
    2) “They don’t really know me” resonated with me. I thought that after all my husband’s attempts to make me stop crying.
    3) If we were friends, you’d have to unfriend me too. (Shhh! Dont mention suicidal thoughts to LP! Sh!)

  21. I never know what to say when I post on blog sites. It’s why I’m a lurker. It’s probably why I don’t blog. I appreciate your posts being so varied: that they won’t all be sanitized versions of the truth, or filler posts to take the place of what you are actually dealing with, or that they won’t all be deep posts either, or that they sometimes WILL just be random snippets that pop into your head. Blogging really is such an amazing act of faith and openness. I really don’t know how you do it. I’m glad you do.

    I have no idea how I found your blog, but now that I’ve found you, you’re stuck with me. Sorry.

    (Also, if my kinja drops you it’s because either they or I or both of us are idiots. It’s why I stick with them. Any ineptitude in blog-stalking love is not necessarily my own fault. At least, that’s what I told myself before this latest round of where did all my pretty blogs go?)

  22. I’m still here! I think you’re totally brave for letting yourself be that vulnerable and honest online. I don’t always comment, because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing (which is my hang up, I know), but I still read you every day. I understand wanting to be away from the crazy, though. Sometimes I just don’t have it to give, either.

  23. You could never shake me baby. But I understand and have similar issues.

    I was specifically thinking about you before bed last night actually. Wondering how long you were visiting your parents for and how you seemed have had a nice time.

  24. I have to admit I am surprised that people left. I’m still here, reading every new post. I think what you write is brave and real which I could use more of in the blogosphere.

  25. I have to disagree with you on this one. I’ve been even more inclined to read your blog as of late because of your brutally honest post. I think its brave and powerful that you wrote what you wrote and I wish more people would do it.

  26. I found you through real mental so I guess i was coming from a starting place where reading about thoughts of suicide would not shock me anyway. But I think its better to say what you are feeling than think it from behind a fake smile. Fuck the ones who can’t handle it.

  27. Leah,
    I don’t comment usually, but I wanted to let you know I’m still reading and I still love you no matter what. Keep on keeping on and don’t worry about those who have left. They’ll be back. Trust me.

  28. just found your blog (don’t ask how ’cause i really don’t even remember!) and i think you’re very brave for sharing your feelings. my prayers go out to you so that you will have peace. but hey, looks like you’ve got a lot love!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ i’ll be back.

  29. Oh yeah…We get it! Like, OH MY GAWD!!!!!!

    Just keep your head down …no eye contact..fuck “they” see me.

    Well I see you Leah. I see you, I feel you and I think “like a river flowing to the sea”(Sweet baby J, I love Cory). Do I own the cassette still? hells ya! I will follow…. I will follow you. I will always follow the truth ….thanks for being real…..even when it’s not PC as hell.

    For reals – Cindi

  30. jess – totally am talking about you. i think i told you on the phone that time that i unfriended you and then friended you back a few weeks later on twitter. (?) i was surprised at my reaction which is why i brought it up in this post.

  31. Leah,

    Keep speaking your truth and I’ll keep reading. BTW …my daughter chose to live with her dad and stepmother when she turned 14 and it broke my heart to see her distance herself from me and to have them encourage it. Equally painful were the times she would slip up (out of habit) and refer to them as her parents when she and I were alone and talking. Those were horrible lonely years without my girl, but everyone said to just keep on loving her (as if anything else were possible) and she would eventually come around and our relationship could really begin again. It’s hard to hear that when history and behavior make you believe it can never be anything more than what it appears to be now. Things changed bit by bit when she moved out of state for college and now we have a wonderful relationship. She shares her life and seems interested in mine.
    Listen to me when I tell you…you will get to mother them and it will be really good, but it will be different than the dream mother you may envisioned yourself. Stay strong and hold on. I like reading your words and I appreciate your honesty.

    E

  32. I came upon your blog by way of RealMental when Schmutzie double-posted (for the first time) to RealMental. I had only been reading your blog for a few days before your “oh-so-very-desperate and angsty post” and I could not even pretend to know you, or offer support of any authenticity but fwiw that post did not send me running. Your honesty as you sort things out on your blog and your work on RealMental have kept me around. Your crocheting is cool too!

    Big picture-wise: I am reading on many-a-blog that comments are at an all-time low and the bloggers most always blame themselves; like they have bad breath or something. But I am thinking it’s because the number of blogs out there are at an all-time high.

    The more of us there are who are trying to keep up with too many blogs (on blog readers, no less), the less comments we will be able to give and receive. I am making more of an effort to comment. This being part of said effort.

  33. I did not drop off. I was/am worried about you, and I don’t even know you, so I’ve been checking in. Weird, I know. I am glad you feel better.

  34. I think that post was the first of yours that I read.
    It saddened me, but I thought “That woman can write. With authenticity.” I have kept coming to see how you are doing.
    Quoting Bobcat Goldthwaite: “I worry bout you”

  35. um. Leah… can I be logical and say that your posting sort of slowed down a bit … could that be why your readership was down? just a thought.
    I’m always pulling for you, whether I drop by your blog or not ๐Ÿ™‚

  36. @Jenn – there certainly might be something to that. But I’m talking more about the daily numbers even after I started posting again. Sure, they could come back up, but between the persistent low numbers and the emails I’ve received letting me know they are leaving/have left, I’m pretty sure about the numbers I stated. Again, I hope I’m not coming off as whining about it. I’m not. I’m just noticing that people feel uncomfortable around crazy people. : )
    xo

  37. i’m still here, leah. still here.
    and i love crazy people.
    i’d like to double ditto what many of the people above me have said.
    (also had a hard time finding your blog again through your newly designed home page.)

  38. not whining…. ๐Ÿ™‚ noticing is good. weird that folks would bother to email to say they are leaving. hmmm. oh well. their loss!! you’ll always be flawed but authentic to me!

  39. I am a lurker. The reason I hadn’t read as much was the new site design also. I love it but just couldn’t find a link. I hope you continue to feel better.

  40. I’m here. I appreciate your honesty. I think it might be fake if you didn’t post about what you are going through.

    We moved last month, and it was a tough move for our family, so that is why I haven’t been around as much. I had to stop reading blogs for a bit to get my family settled in here.

  41. Hi, I found you because of Schmutzie and I think you rock warts and all. I really like your honesty and your writing style and I wish I had found you earlier. I can relate to some of your experiences. I have had mental health issues as well. I wish you luck and happiness.

  42. Ya know what Leah, we’re all flawed, it’s the authenticity that stands out with you and that makes you, in my humble opinion, a lot less flawed than the ones that can’t bare to look. Maybe your honesty scared the crap out of them because they aren’t brave enough yet to admit their own (flaws that is), that is what makes people uncomfortable, I believe, not your honesty, the fact that they can’t be. More power to you girl, I found you somehow and am really glad I did. As for you feeling as though you had mislead people about who you were, aren’t all of us so many things and thoughts and feelings. You know that song by Whitney Houston “I’m Every Woman”, well that’s okay, the fact that you are brave sometimes, or do things great sometimes is enough. Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and I will subscribe to your blog, it’s an honest blog and really I don’t know how anyone could be so called ‘normal’ living in this messed up world. It’s gotta take it’s toll somewhere along the line. Thanks for sharing your truths. Jen ; )

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