Middle Age Feelings

I’ve started obsessing about things that I think shouldn’t be in my mind for another few years like how my knees are doing and my schedule of flossing. I mean seriously, I don’t want to live the rest of my life worried that if I chew wrong on my right molars that the cap will fall off and I don’t want to NOT chew on that side so much that my left side teeth get too worn down prematurely so I think about every bite I take and weigh the options carefully. And sometimes the meal just isn’t worth it, man.

My top lady parts have taken a decided sag southward and I have to keep special attention whenever I sneeze to make sure I don’t have to change my underwear. Aren’t these the things a 50-something should be worried about? I realize I’m on the far side of 30 but c’mon. I wasn’t quite ready yet.

15 Responses

  1. Another word: Smartballs (or two words, depending on the context). Go to One Good Thing (buggydoo.blogspot.com), say hi to Flea (who is awesome, and I’d frankly be surprised if you weren’t already friends), read some of her blog, then click her link to The Honeysuckle Shop (yeah, right there where it says “Adults Only”) and buy yourself a pair of Smartballs. They look a bit odd, but they are the best Kegel exercisers, especially considering you don’t actually have to do anything or even think about them. (I am, honestly, too flaky to remember to do Kegels, and too lazy – yes, really – to do them once I remember. )

    But these? Put ’em in for a while. Forget about them. Take them out. Easy peasy. After I used them for a week, I noticed I didn’t have to be so paranoid about sneezing, and the part they promised about really good orgasms (to which I scoffed and said “yeah, yeah, whatever”) actually (surprisingly, pleasantly) came true. Best twenty bucks you’ll ever spend. Honest.

    Can’t help with the tooth paranoia, but maybe it’s a sign that you’re not eating enough ice cream. And you certainly wouldn’t want to ignore a Very Important Ice Cream Warning like that.

  2. Im sorry this made me laugh uncontrollably.. probably because Im only on the far side of my 20’s and feel much of the same things

  3. wait until your skin starts to feel like tissue paper and sort of separates from your bones (especially noticeable on your face) and then you spend hundreds of dollars a month on face creams and cleansers because you always swore you’d never get plastic surgery like all those shallow women. And you’re scared you’re becoming one of those shallow women…. but thank god you can’t afford a facelift.
    oh wait. that’s me, not you!

  4. Unfortunately I hear you loud and clear. I have a few years on you but I still don’t think I should be picking cereal based on how many grams of fiber it has. Something is wrong.

  5. Yes but sadly the worrying didn’t change a thing! At 54, after at least 20 years of worrying about it all, I still can’t sneeze, eat enough fiber and now I just noticed, my knees are sagging. Literally. As if the boobs weren’t enough. Maybe by the time you’re my age they will have invisable knee-bras like SPANX but invisible. By the way, SPANX took at least a year or two off my figure if you can bear to wear them.

  6. For me it’s the chin hairs. I used to see old women with beards and feel bad for them. I’m not even 40 yet and the tweezers and I have a daily appointment. The other night I had a dream I had a full beard (and it was salt and pepper, ack). I can stuff the sagging boobs in an underwire and wear pantiliners but I hate being out in the car and looking in the rearview mirror and seeing that unbeknownst to me I’ve been swanning around town with a giant hair waving hello from the side of my face.

  7. Well I’m 30 and worry too. I don’t think there is an appropriate age. It did feel like one day I woke up though and thought, “Holy crap! I’m not getting any younger.”

    I have heard about those ball things but they still scare me a little. I just figure they’ll fall out when I sneeze.

  8. 42 here and totally feeling the same way girl! all those things including the above comments…it sucks and i also thought i had a lot more time. weird……..

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