Vibrations

My leg is touching the door and I can feel the vibrations of the music through my knee cap. I’m not thinking. I’m just feeling the bass line and mouthing the words. My mouth opens and closes with the words but no sound comes out. I don’t think I know this song. If I was the passenger in the car to the left, I would think I was singing. But if I was the passenger in the car to the left, I wouldn’t be me. I would be him. I think about this for awhile, forgetting to mouth along to the song, my jaw slightly slack.

What if I was him? That guy to the left? I wouldn’t be me. Or I would be both. I would have his feelings. Or they would be the same as the ones I have now, just his. Or they would be different. And I would look over and see me and wonder about the lady driving in the big black van and hope she had at least one other person in the car to make that beast worth while. And I would know that she wasn’t really singing because I didn’t really sing, either. Orange would be slightly different, but how, I couldn’t say. I would like the air slightly warmer in the cab of the car while driving, but my wife would want it cooler and I’d wear gloves to keep my hands warm, even in the summer. I’d hate the birds that shit on the car under the palm tree. I’d love orange suckers and I’d do ceramics on the weekend as a hobby to calm my nerves. Or are they my nerves. Or mine. I don’t know.

My shoe is near the speaker and I can feel the vibrations of the music climbing up my leg. I turn the bass up and look up to notice the sign that says the name of street I know, but isn’t on my route home. I’m confused for a moment and then I realize I passed my exit about twenty minutes back.

I wonder where I’m going.

I’m driving as if I don’t care that I’m not headed in the right direction. I just passed an exit where I could have turned around. And another one. And another. I’m not changing lanes to get to the right. I’m just going forward at a steady 73 miles per hour. Maybe I don’t care. But I don’t know where I’m going.

I’m out of water. My mouth is dry. I have a headache. I get off the freeway and get back on, heading west.

My hands are on the steering wheel and the vibrations are coursing through my fingers and into my wrists. The music is too loud and I turn it down. Then off. The car on my right is driving right in my blind spot. When I speed up, he speeds up. When I slow down, He slows down. I punch the gas and hit over 80, moving away from the irritation. The road is bumpy on this stretch and the van bobs up and down violently for a few seconds. The Santa Annas are blowing hard against the windshield and I can hear the whistle it makes as it leaks through the seams around the doors. It’s high pitched and screaming. All it would take is my not handling the wind very well. Just a tiny mistake going around the right bend of the hills. The tire would hit a pothole and explode. The van would flip over and over, jumping over the guardrail and into the middle of oncoming traffic. I could even take off my seat belt first. I look at myself in the rear view mirror. And then I look away. My foot comes off the gas pedal a little and I slow down to 68 and hit cruise control.

The wind whistling through the doors grows deeper and less insistent. It sounds more like a hum and less like a shriek. I take a few slow breaths and turn the music back on, but softly. I click forward through the songs until I find something mellow.

I’m close to home now. And I think I’m glad. The thoughts and feelings I’ve been avoiding come rushing at me. I’m a horrible person. I’m so unworthy of love. The world would be a better place without me. My kids deserve a better mom. Joe would have a better life without me. I imagine saying that out loud to Joe and I can hear his voice in my head. I would say, ‘I’m too broken. It’s never going to get better. How many times can I say I’m sorry before I get on your nerves? Once a day? Twice? I should just leave.’ and he would say, ‘Only say sorry if you commit a sin of commission or omission against me. You haven’t. You don’t need to be sorry. Your existence is not a sin. I love you. I hope you don’t leave. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ And then I’m crying but I don’t know if it’s happening now or yesterday when he said it for real.

The car is stopped and parked in front of the house. I’m home. Home. The thrumming I feel isn’t music. It’s my thoughts and I’m trying to get them under control before I walk in the house. I’m numbing out my mind, creating a buffer around my body and settling in the center where it’s calm and one tiny bit of what I hope is reality comforts me as I gather my things and head up the walkway.

Your existence is not a sin. I love you.

8 Responses

  1. I’ve cried today over things that suck so I am glad to cry at something that doesn’t for a change. (Let’s just say it touched a nerve.)

    Beautifully written.

  2. This really touched me. I’ve had a rough year of struggling with my own mental illness (therapists, medications, partial hospitalization, oh my!), and it is a morbid comfort to read something that rings so true with thoughts I’ve thought myself.

    Your existence is not a sin. And today you made at least my world a little better than it was before by reminding me I’m not the only one to struggle, and the world probably won’t end because of what I feel, even if it seems like it sometimes.

  3. I knew someone who committed suicide. His wife and kids were not better off without him. They were scarred and heartbroken.

    People love you, appreciate you, and need you. Keep both hands on the wheel and keep that van pointed in the right direction. Keep moving forward.

    xoxo and xo

  4. This is brilliant and beautiful, Leah. To be able to stop time in the moment to pick up each and every sensation–that’s an enviable talent. Most of us just rush through; that’s how we get by.

  5. holy shit this is beautiful.

    crying? yes.
    goose bumps? yes.
    understand? OH HELL YES.

    i hate that gremlin when it gets up on my shoulders and taunts me with its’ mean-ness. it’s favorite time to visit is if i am physically sick or hormonal, as it knows i’m especially weak during those times.

    be well.

  6. You write so well Leah. I wish I could articulate my thoughts as well as you do.

    I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your blog. I found it a long while ago when I was going through my own mental health issues (no where near as bad as yours), but I found your writing inspiring…

    I wish you the best.

  7. I usually get all finger-tied when I read your blog and don’t know what to say, so I often don’t say anything. But today I’m going to say something. I just don’t know what.

    So…

    After 5 minutes of sitting here in a brain fog, maybe I should just say that your writing is so good that it leaves me speechless. And I’m cheering for you.

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