Today feels like the world is crashing down around me. Things are up in the air. Everything is too hard. And I have nothing remotely uplifting or useful to say. I weep at the smallest perceived notion and if you look at me wrong, or not at all, or too hard, or act like you don’t want to look at me because i think you must think I’m dumb, forgettaboutit. But today is the day that I actually need this outlet more than other days when I have everything in control and things are lining up at the snap of my finger.
In response to Helene who wanted to know what I do on days that I’m feeling ‘gross, lazy and stupid,’ I’m not even answering your question in true leahpeah form. I’m just going to do it the only way I can today. Because this is what I do when I feel like that. I do what everyone else does. I wake up in the morning, drag my ass out of bed and go to work. I try really hard all day to do the stuff I’m supposed to do and not think too hard about me and how I feel. Unless the plants need to be watered, and then I let loose. And then, when work is over, I go home and watch some TV or paint and then go to bed. If I feel like it, I’ll feel a little and cry a lot. Or if it’s a weekend, I try not to do anything at all.
And the reason I keep getting up and having a day and repeating it over and over again is because not every day is like this one. Some days are fabulous. Some days I’m smiling even before I open my eyes. And I know that sooner or later, the law of averages says I’m going to have another good day if I just hang in there.
And so I do.